Boundaries that hold

Clear boundaries take the guesswork out of everyday moments about what you can or cannot do. A couple of guiding principles I had to learn about boundaries:

• Boundaries are for you. They’re not about dictating what others do.

• Boundaries without a consequence are empty threats.

This section offers tips for setting limits that protect both you and your child without fuelling more conflict.

Below are some examples of co-parenting boundaries.

The common thread in all these examples is that your boundary isn’t about controlling what your co-parent does. It’s about what you choose to do (or not do) and you following through with a consequence.

Examples of co-parenting boundaries:

• Stick to the court order. Even if your co-parent doesn’t, following the order - though sometimes unpleasant or unfair in the moment - protects its integrity and gives you a clear path if you need to escalate a breach. protects its integrity and gives you a clear path if you ever need to escalate a breach. If you have child safety concerns, always consult a lawyer. If it’s urgent and you can’t reach one (say, on a weekend), contact professional services such as domestic violence specialists or the police.

• Take your time with decisions. At the end of mediation or a round table, it’s easy to feel pressured into an agreement that doesn’t sit right. Give yourself breathing space. Ten minutes, a few hours, or even a few days. As long as court timelines aren’t dictating the process, you can usually step back to think it through or get legal advice.

• Choose your channel. You can set a boundary that communication happens in writing only, for example through a dedicated email address or co-parenting app. Make this clear once in writing, or include it in a court order. Calls should be reserved for emergencies, and if they come anyway, you don’t have to answer. You can cut the call short and follow up in writing.

• Get free to act. Sometimes you need a response from the other parent, for example, to confirm domestic travel plans or smaller decisions, and silence can leave you stuck. In these situations, you can set a clear, reasonable timeline and communicate that if you don’t hear back by then, you will proceed.

• For example, you might write:
  “I need to plan ahead. If I don’t hear from you by [date/time], I will assume agreement and go ahead with….”

  The key points are:

  • Always communicate in writing.

  • Provide a reasonable timeframe (days, not hours, unless urgent).

  • Keep your tone calm and factual.

  This approach removes some of the uncertainty, helps you move forward, and makes it clear where responsibility lies if the other parent chooses not to respond. Use this method only when it’s clear the other parent is stalling or avoiding decisions.

  Note: this does not apply to situations where the other parent’s formal consent or signature is legally required to be explicit, on forms for example. Always keep context in mind.