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Comms for tricky moments

If you separate from someone with a child in the mix, you will need to keep communicating about changeovers, travel, guardianship*, and other practical matters.

Tip: Whatever you agree with your ex-partner, it’s always recommended to document it in writing, even if you’re on good terms.

If you’re navigating a high-conflict separation or a toxic co-parent, keep your communication in writing and BRIEF, INFORMATIVE, FRIENDLY, and FIRM often referred to as the BIFF approach:

  • B – Brief: Keep your messages short and to the point. Avoid over-explaining, justifying, or debating. Less is more.

  • I – Informative: Focus on the facts and the information your co-parent needs to know. Stick to what is necessary for your child.

  • F – Friendly: Maintain a polite, respectful tone. You don’t have to be warm, but a neutral, courteous tone reduces conflict.

  • F – Firm: Be clear about your boundaries or expectations. Stick to them without engaging in arguments or unnecessary discussion.

The goal is always to defuse conflict and de-escalate arguments by providing necessary information respectfully and decisively. Focusing on mastering my co-parenting communication has been paramount to protect our future better.

Tip: Co-parenting apps keep communication clear and contained. They are especially recommended when you are going through high-conflict separations

They timestamp and store messages as court-ready records, help maintain a respectful tone, and let you manage schedules and updates without sharing personal details or mixing with everyday life. Common ones are OurFamilyWizard or TalkingParents.

A Word on Technology

Parenting apps often have AI tools to help keep messages short, polite, and child-focused. These tools can be incredibly useful. Remember: the content is still your responsibility. This also applies for using AI tools directly for your communication.

BIFF in action - an example:

Normal (typical co-parenting) communication:

Hey, I really need you to pick up little Jonny on time this Thursday. Last time you were late and it stressed him out so much.

BIFF communication:

Please pick up little Jonny at 3pm this Thursday. Thanks.

Short, factual, polite, and firm. No blame, no argument. Also have a look at examples for holding your boundaries through communication.

*Guardianship refers to the major decisions affecting your child’s welfare. These typically include:

  • Health and medical treatment (e.g. vaccines or special treatments, not routine day-to-day care. If your child is sick, take them to the doctor and inform your ex-partner promptly)

  • Education and schooling, including school trips and events

  • Religious or cultural upbringing

  • Legal matters and consent for official documents

  • Extracurricular activities

    Guardianship decisions usually require consent from both parents, regardless of the day-to-day care arrangement. Even if one parent has primary care, major decisions are shared unless a court orders otherwise.

If normal co-parenting (with the occasional disagreement) is not possible, have a look into a parallel parenting approach.

Other Recommended Resources

Two resources have made a significant difference in my journey:

  • The Divorce Course Podcast: Already mentioned in the Separation & Divorce section, this podcast is educational and empowering. Many episodes are relevant if you’re navigating co-parenting communications including high-conflict co-parenting.

  • Tina Swithin’s Yellow Rock Method – Tina is a leading advocate for children going through family court, based on her own 10-year custody battle with a diagnosed narcissist. Labels aside, her method is excellent inspiration for managing difficult co-parenting dynamics. I have used her Yellow Rock Method numerous times. Tina’s material is generally helpful if you are going through family court. Keep in mind it is based on American systems and expectations, so adapt as needed to your context.

  • OurFamilyWizard guidance on high-conflict co-parenting has good insights on guiding principles. I found browsing the blog and general guidance on co-parenting and schedules by OFW useful.