Changeovers
Changeovers can be incredibly stressful for you and the kids. Below are some tips on how to make them easier for everyone involved.
If possible, organise changeovers at school or daycare. This helps avoid running into each other and keeps the child less exposed to conflict. If that’s not possible and your separation is difficult, try to use neutral locations instead of either parent’s home. Safe and accessible options could include a playground, a café, or another public space.
Using neutral locations allows you to walk away once your child is in the other parent’s care, reduces opportunities for manipulation, and helps keep your home a safe space for both you and your child.
Other practicalities to consider:
Plan ahead: Agree on time, location, and who will have what items in advance. This reduces last-minute stress and confusion about the smallest things, e.g. lunchboxes. Confirm arrangements in writing so there’s a clear record. This can reduce misunderstandings and unnecessary conflict.
Keep it brief: Minimise the duration of the handover to reduce stress. Once the child is safely with the other parent, step away calmly.
Stay child-focused: Avoid discussing disagreements or past conflicts during the handover. Keep conversation about the child’s immediate needs only, if anything and ideally follow up in writing to avoid ‘he said - she said’ at changeover.
Prepare items in advance: Have all belongings, bags, etc. ready before the handover to make the exchange smooth.
Keep emotions in check: Take a few deep breaths or any grounding that helps you before and after the handover to maintain calm. this can be tiny like pressing your index finger and thumb together for a few seconds to release tension
Establish a routine and rituals: Consistent times and places help your child feel secure and make handovers predictable. Rituals can help your child anticipate the day and can also be bonding for you and your kids.
Focus on safety: Always prioritise the child’s emotional and physical safety. If a situation ever feels unsafe, contact appropriate professional services.
Rituals for changeovers and returns
Mums, get creative! Changeovers can be a great opportunity for bonding and creating reassuring routines for your child. Rituals are especially helpful if your child’s experience at the other parent’s home is less predictable. Here are some ideas to make the back-and-forth smoother and more comforting:
Visual Cues
Use visuals on changeover days, like magnets on the fridge or a calendar with stickers. Let your child choose the sticker if they’re happy to participate.
Place stickers or small marks on their items as a gentle reminder of routines.
Special Items or Tokens
Pick a small, agreed-upon changeover “token,” like a flower or leaf to keep in their pocket (and one in yours). Keep items small and simple to avoid conflict.
Treats and Food Rituals
Have a particular treat before changeover, such as a special cookie, marshmallow, or fruit cut into fun shapes.
Consider a little ceremony, like roasting a marshmallow over a candle or having a cup of tea with a favorite cookie.
Words and Connection
Repeat the same reassuring words every time they leave (e.g., “I love you, always”). I avoid saying “I miss you,” so your child doesn’t feel your emotional burden.
Upon return., focus on connecting first through a ritual/experience. I ask how they are, but don’t drill. Let them respond if they want to.
I avoid making promises for the return; instead, I focus on maintaining consistent routines at home or even in the car.
Home Comforts
Have particular toys or items ready for when your child returns, placed in a familiar spot.
Use a familiar smell, like an essential oil, and have a small treat readily available.
These are things that work for me or others and I hope they inspire you for yourself and your kids.
Tip, tricks or rituals to share? Please reach out via the contact form. What helped you and your kids, can help other mums and kids.