Domestic Violence & Abuse
I can’t imagine the full weight of what you’re experiencing. But I do know that living with domestic violence can feel like being trapped in a world where hope is hard to find. The fear, isolation, and heartbreak can make each day feel heavier than the last.
I want to start with a personal anecdote: I remember the day when the lovely women at Women’s Refuge made me a cup of instant coffee and gave me a piece of banana cake in their kitchen. It was pure coincidence that I was only a few hundred metres away from the centre when I made the call. I only called because I didn’t know what else to do. When I explained, trembling and in tears, why I had called and what had happened, her words were the first cracks in what eventually became a burst of light in my reality at that time: “You are at the right place.” I didn’t see that coming.
I also want to acknowledge the complexity of this. You might not have bruises, others might not understand why you react the way you do, and institutions or professionals might see your life as “fine.” But behind your smile, there can be silent screams and endless hopelessness, as you try to hold it all together behind invisible bars. I hear you. You are not alone, and you are not crazy. This affects a large, silently suffering group of people.
This page isn’t a solution. I don’t have all the answers. What I hope is that it can be a place to start: a place to find information, support, and a few steps toward safety and help. There are people and services ready to listen, guide, and support you when you’re ready. You deserve to be safe, heard, and supported.
First steps - checklist: a few practical steps you can take now
Save key numbers: Women’s Refuge (0800 733 843) and Shine (0508 744 633) — consider saving under another name for privacy.
Pack a small safety bag with essentials (ID, keys, cash, documents, clothes).
Get CCTV. I found the ones from Tapo easy to buy and install but there are plenty of options that are just as good.
Stay safe online, Change passwords and check devices for spyware.
Record and document: start documenting everything as early as possible. If you can, keep communication in writing, take screenshots, keep a log of events ,etc. if you are still living together or have just separated, take photos or videos of your home, valuables, and important records. Documentation can be your best protection.
Find one person you trust to confide in. You don’t have to tell everything at once.
Change locks. Just do a quick google search for a locksmith. It cost me around $150 and was worth every penny.
These are just a few initial steps - Women’s Refuge , Shine or your local domestic violence service can help you to plan and act appropriately for your situation.
Even if no dramatic event has happened, I found listening to my gut gave me better sleep at night.
Resources: Post-Separation Awareness & Parenting
Understanding your experience can be empowering and turns out leaving does not end abuse. Be prepared. These are a few things you could look into:
Ask services about programs designed to help make sense of domestic violence, for example Living Violence free. They may also also offer children’s safety programs!
Find detailed insights and survivor-led information from the advocacy group The Backbone Collective – Resources
Videos, books, podcasts & resources:
Learn about the post-separation abuse wheel, which explains common behaviours that can appear after leaving.
Academic publications from Carrie Leonetti at the University of Auckland and Journal of Social Welfare and Family Law on common dynamics mothers experience after leaving the relationship.
Watch this interview with Lundy Bancroft. It’s It’s very insightful, validating and also touches on parenting in the end. His book, ‘why does he do that’ is well worth finding at your local library.
New Zealand documentary series Breaking the silence
For parenting, I can’t recommend the book ‘What happened to you’ enough. transformed how I understood and supported my child. There’s also a fantastic podcast on it.
Look for free podcasts and Youtube videos from Dr. Emma Katz and Dr. Marie Christine Cocchiola - I also recommend listening to this podcast episode with her where she tells her own story.
Tip: Familiarize yourself with parenting concepts early so you have tools ready if a challenging situation arises.
New tool: Aimee Says
Aimee Says is the first AI tool designed specifically for survivors of domestic violence. The chatbot is free to use and works like other chatbots (ChatGPT, etc.), but is designed to help you understand your experience and navigate post-separation abuse safely.