People who can help you

Depending on the complexities of your separation, you may need different types of support. Here are some of the most common divorce/separation “team members” who can make a real difference. What I’ve learned is that no matter their role, it’s crucial to find the right person for you. This list isn’t complete, but it covers some of the most common “team members” in divorce or separation and what they can and can’t do for you.

Tip: Keep one “master list” of key tasks, contacts, and resources.

It will save you mental load and prevent things slipping through the cracks.

• Family & Friends
  Do: Offer emotional support, childcare help, practical assistance (meals, errands, listening ear).
  Don’t: Replace professional advice. Their guidance is often based on personal experience or opinion.

• Colleagues & Your Boss
  Do: Provide understanding, flexibility at work, support when life feels overwhelming.
  Don’t: Manage your personal situation. You set the boundaries on what to share.

• Lawyer
  Do: Advise on your rights, represent you legally, prepare documents and agreements, present your evidence effectively.
  Don’t: Make personal decisions for you. They work within the law, not emotions. Lawyers usually focus on the legal side, so you may need to do your own thinking about broader strategy. They may also not protect you from yourself and they can’t tell you what to write in your affidavit for example.

Even if you can afford a lawyer, reach out to your local community law centre or look into legal aid to see if you’re eligible for extra help.

• Counsellor or Therapist
  Do: Mental health support to manage your emotions and help you to make sense of your experience, feelings and behaviour.
  Don’t: Provide legal, medical, or financial advice.

  The NZ Mental Health Foundation has a collection of links and options for free or low cost support. Your employer might also offer a number of free counselling sessions through an Employee Assistance Program (EAP) and I recommend reaching out to Skylight Trust for free resources and professional support.

• Coach
  Do: Support your confidence and provide practical tips. Help you set goals and strategies for the future.
  Don’t: Provide legal, medical, or financial advice or manage your emotions.

  You will find a range a of Divorce & Separation coaches through a google search and they usually offer a 15minute (or more) free consult. That can help you to find out if they are the right person for you.

• Medical Professionals (GPs, psychologists, pediatricians, psychiatrists, therapists)
  Do: Care for your and your children’s physical and mental health. Provide assessments, diagnoses, treatment, or referrals. Their reports can also support court or school processes.
  Don’t: Act as your advocate in separation matters (though their input may be used in legal contexts).

• Social Workers
  Do: Provide practical support and connect you with services (housing, benefits, family support, parenting programs). Sometimes act as a liaison with schools or agencies.
  Don’t: Give legal advice or replace medical treatment. Their focus is more on social and family wellbeing.

• Community / Peer Networks
  Do: Offer understanding, shared experiences, and encouragement, practical assistance (meals, errands, listening ear). Can reduce isolation and provide helpful tips.
  Don’t: Replace professional expertise. Always check professional advice for your own situation.

• Private Investigator (PI) (only in certain situations)
  Do: Collect evidence (financial, behavioral, custody-related). They might have extended access to records and information which can be useful in certain circumstances.
  Don’t: Resolve disputes or provide emotional support.

• Financial Advisor / Budgeting Services
  Do: Help you plan your finances post-separation, manage debt, set up budgets, and prepare for the future.
  Don’t: Provide legal or emotional guidance.